It's an Eeyore kind of evening...

Just feeling a little blue.

Almost had a melt down in the store, tears and all...
I held them in...
be darned if I will let some stranger know that life just feels really hard and really big some days, this day being one of them.

I finally made it to the bookstore to pick up this particular book I REALLY wanted...
I was so happy
I carried it around the store
I opened its pages
I dreamed of how I'd use it
of the things I'd learn from the wisdom within
I imagined the creations I could whip up
I was relishing in a happy moment...
and then
I went to the register
with my special little discount card
only to be told
that my discount card had expired
and I did not have the proper evidence to renew the little hummer...

I really wanted to just have a little fit right there in the store!
I know that they haven't any idea how very difficult it is for me to get anywhere.
They have no idea that I cannot drive myself
and that just being in the store by myself is quite a big deal, in and of itself!
And quite honestly they don't care
I'm a nobody to them.
Just another person wishing to make a purchase.

I'm sure many of you are wondering why this book is so special...
why does it bring so many emotions out?
I have to say that I started wondering the exact same thing.
I'm a pretty rational person,
fairly level headed
don't freak out on a regular basis
(gotcha, okay, I rarely freak out)
and this evening
I REALLY wanted to
I wanted to just cry a bucket of tears over this book
and the fact that I couldn't buy it.
Well, I could have bought it,
BUT
I needed to use my discount!
20% is a big deal...
Now, as I look back,
was it imperative that I use that little discount???


It wasn't really that big of a deal
and this book really isn't that big of a deal either...


certainly not the end of the world,
certainly not worth shedding even one tear over, let alone a whole bucket of 'em...

SO, time to figure out what my
REAL PROBLEM is...

Could it be that I can't drive
and I'm just in the midst of a serious pity-party?
Nope, not it...

Could it be that I had to sit alone for quite some time until my hubby could retrieve me after he was done working?
Nope, also not it...

What else could it be?
Clueless...
Or maybe just
in denial...

When my sweet man picked me up, he immediately saw that I was not okay...
I ranted on and on about my whole negative book moment.
I think he probably just wondered why I didn't just buy the book and forget the 20% discount,
why was this so troubling to me?
He assured me that I am no bother and that he is very happy to bring me back with my proper identification for my discount, but that didn't cut it.
Then
like he often does
he pointed out what he saw I was really sad about.

and he was right
the tears came
the frustration I felt leaked right out of my eyes
and kept leaking
and leaking
and leaking...

Have you ever just wanted
to share something you love
with someone you love so much???

Only to have it mean nothing?
To have it not happen?

I feel sad
I feel, well,
I don't even know...
just not so very happy at the moment.

I had a moment this afternoon that I thought something truly beautiful was going to happen.
I had thought about it and dare say, even dreamed about it, for several days..
and then in a flash of a second,
it was poo-poo'ed and gone...
unimportant and not worth the time of this person that I cherish so much. 
This wasn't the first time this has happened, it happens with some of the people I love the most in this world...they may not live in my home, but they live in my heart...They know so little of who I am, yet should be some who know the most about me.

Maybe, it shouldn't mean so much to me,
it doesn't change who I am
or what I believe
or what I feel. 

Still trying to figure out why it hurts and why I keep leaking. 
I guess I'm just a softie. 

There is a reason I write...
my heart and my mind connect during these moments.
It is truly magical ~
I think I finally know what it is...
this is part of me
and it is a part of me
that she doesn't know
and
that she doesn't wish to know
and I just wish to be close
and to share the biggest things
the things that are special to me
and I'm coming to the realization
that what I wish for just doesn't always happen.

And that should be okay
and tomorrow it will be okay
but tonight,
it doesn't really feel okay.

So...
here I sit pouring hot cocoa in
while pouring my thoughts out...

wishing I would have just bought the dumb book
and poured my heart into it...
hmmmmm.
It was a measly 20%...
I don't think I would have even cared about it on any other given day,
but today I needed something to be unhappy about
something to focus my hurt on
so I could continue this life of denial,
not seeing where my hurt really comes from.

So glad I can down the cocoa tonight ~
chocolate fixes all that ails us,
right?