but all the kids are asleep
and my hubby is at work
(and I am a lousy sleeper if he's away)
On with my story!!!
Some of you may be wondering why on earth my husband would have left me alone in a cabin to brave the cold and dark alone...
Well, I think it was really my idea...I kinda forced it on myself...And there was NO WAY, I was driving out in all of this snow, I was way more afraid of driving than of being in a cozy cabin...
He had wanted to leave our boys with me, but I insisted that I wanted all of our kids home safe and sound. Our plan was that he would take them home, get them settled in, bring back water and supplies and we'd take care of things until the next morning and then head back home to our kiddos. My one and only job was to keep the fire going. Chad and the boys made sure to chop plenty of wood for me, so it seemed like an easy job...but I didn't really think about how dark it gets in the mountains, actually I don't think I really had any idea, because we always have lights to turn on when the dark arrives...but this night was a different story!!!
I think deep inside I really, really wanted them ALL to leave for a little while, I needed or wanted (who knows) a little quiet time...our days had been so full ~ one party, and then the next, and then the next, and then Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day and then our son's 12th birthday, I was plum tuckered out and just wanted to sit and relax...
My thoughts went something along this line --
I will have several hours of complete relaxation and quiet,
No one will need me to do a thing for them,
I can sleep if I want,
I can read if I want,
I can write if I want,
I can do anything I want...
And then, late tonight, I will have my hubby all to myself in this wonderful little cabin in front of the fire, next to the candle light....ooohhhh, how special!
Now tell me, what woman would not wish for something like this???
Well, I'm going to share with you what I "wrote" while I sat alone in that special cabin:
"Here I am, all alone,
it's awfully quiet,
I paced for the past several hours until I heard from Chad that he and the kids had made it home safely.
I am grateful they are safe, now I can relax, maybe.
The cabin is beautiful, the snow amazing, everywhere-- and still falling...
I am writing by candlelight and firelight,
so grateful to have wood to burn.
Not sure what to think of the quiet --
it's just too quiet,
doesn't feel alive enough --
I'm not too great at being quiet or still -
maybe that is why this is such a foreign feeling to me.
I find my mind cannot rest on one single topic, it races from one thought to the next.
I really don't enjoy being alone,
it's far too lonely,
I find that it's something that I frequently wish for -
why is that?
Why do I wish for something that I don't really love?
Why do I wish for peaceful, quiet moments and then have no idea what to do with myself when those moments come along?
Why do we wish for what we don't have?
Why are we so dissatisfied and always wishing for more or perhaps just for "different" ?
Yet, when the "different" shows its face, it is too unfamiliar, too uncomfortable and often unwanted...
How interesting people are, how strange and peculiar and interesting I am...
As everyone left the cabin today, I thought to myself,
Whew a little peace and quiet, then found myself wishing for any kind of noise after they were gone, I even talked out loud just to break the silence!
I just keep learning the most interesting things about myself...
As I sit here tonight, I've had almost four hours of complete silence, with the exception of the crackling fire and the occasional snow slide off the rooftop...
Nothing here to distract me --
No music, no tv, no computer,
not a single person needing me,
not a mitten to help put on,
not a snow boot or a snowsuit needing a little adjusting,
no one to make hot cocoa for,
or a single snack to prepare...
Although I desperately wish to just be able to sit and write or read or just think ~ allowing my mind to just wander wherever it may, I find that I much more desperately wish to live the life I have been blessed with!!!
For the first couple of hours of being alone, I simply wandered about not really knowing what to do with myself.
I gathered the 4 candles that I could find, lit them so I'd be prepared when dark came.
I picked things up,
fluffed the cushions on the couch,
made sure I had enough firewood,
gathered a few yummy snacks ~
My scrumptious treats included:
Red Peppers ~ LOVE 'em!
Pretzels ~ Great crunch value!
Dark Chocolate ~ Fabulous!
Oh how I wanted some of my mint herbal tea, but settled for hot cocoa ~ actually Luke Warm Cocoa, there was nothing HOT about it!!! I was too impatient...just couldn't wait long enough! I was pretty sure I'd never be able to let that little tea bag do it's thing...
As it started getting dark, I became a touch worried, I'm really not a fan of the dark - or of being alone - the combination could have made for a nail-biting experience, instead, I will ENJOY my 4 little candles next to the toasty fire. I pulled the recliner just in front of the fire for warmth and light.
I know they are all safe and sound, and Chad will be coming soon...
Didn't I ask for this? Didn't I want this? I must have, so it's time to make the best of it...This is lovely...I am ready to relax and what better way to relax than to continue on with a little writing???
Ahhh, firelight, candlelight, a notebook and pencil, dark chocolate and a comfy recliner!!!
AND, I think I am finally getting used to the quiet and the dark...it really is okay."
From here, I spent several more hours pondering some of the most important things in my little world...