Homeschool Conference!!!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

What to do???

Do you ever have the feeling that you may be letting one of your kids down? 
Is it possible that you may not be meeting their expectations?
Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps you might need to adjust your way of thinking to better fit theirs?
During your quiet shower moments,
do you think to yourself that maybe, just maybe,
YOU might be the problem?

I have one son who I completely adore
(well I adore all of them, equally I might add)
but this one son and I seem to butt heads more than I wish we did.  It breaks my heart.  I think we have some serious power struggles happening and I am beginning to realize that it is up to me to make some changes. 
After all, I am the adult, I am the parent...
I cannot expect this young person to bend to my ways just because I am the mom and they are my ways.  I feel that I need to be more flexible to meet his expectations.
(Contrary to what some may believe, I do not for one single moment believe that I am allowing him to WIN the power struggle by bending...isn't that what a Mom is supposed to do?  Aren't we to do all that we can to figure all these little people out and to help them live happy, successful lives?) 
Okay, enough of that, back to being more flexible to meet his expectations...

Now saying that is a bit funny, because I am quite flexible and like things to flow, I actually really enjoy flying by the seat of my pants. 
BUT this son of mine is not like me. 
He NEEDS structure,
he NEEDS to know what is happening at all times.

Several years ago, our family was traveling to see all of the counties in Idaho after doing a great year of study.  Our goal was to visit all the areas we had learned about and to fully experience it all.  I am thrilled to say that we did meet our goal. 
BUT it was painful for our son!!! 
WHY? 
Well, because we were just going with the flow, stopping on a whim, reading every sign we came upon, stopping at everything that looked of interest to any one who was in the car. 
The problem was that for a son who needs to know when he is eating and where he is eating and what time he is eating and exactly what will he be eating; for a son who needs to know where he will be sleeping that night and if it will be a hotel or a motel and what city or little town it will be in; for a son who needs to know which counties we will be visiting that day and how long we'll be in each one; for a son who NEEDS to know these things, I failed
I failed BECAUSE I failed to see how very REAL all of this feels to him. 
Instead, I simply hugged him and told him not to worry, I assured him that he would eat yummy food many times a day and that he would have a nice place to sleep and that all would be okay,
he smiled and tried to be okay with this,
BUT DEEP DOWN,
he was not. 
And he still is not. 

He hasn't changed. 
I haven't changed.
He can't change because it is part of WHO he is;
and because I am his momma,
I MUST CHANGE to make life feel safe for him.

This poor boy of mine...I keep wondering why everything takes me so long to get...he is 13, it's not like he's 3 and I'm getting it all figured out, I've been trying -- desperately trying -- to figure him out all these years and I keep comin' up with nothin', well not nothin' but darn close. 

Now...I am dealing with planning for a successful school year knowing that I must be more flexible to meet his expectations, yet I am not even certain that I REALLY know what those are...

What are his expectations?
What does he want?
What does he need?
What makes him happy?

Can he help to build his successful year? 
Can he help build the structure that he needs?
Can I meet his expectations and more importantly, can I meet his needs?

Sometimes loving your kids with all of your heart just isn't enough.
We have to be able to "get" them...
What is it that makes him tick?
What is it that drives him?
What is it that makes him feel safe and secure and happy and productive and successful?
What would help to minimize his overwhelming feelings of discontent?
What would help him to feel like he is accomplishing everything his heart desires?

He is brilliant, has no troubles with school at all...scores incredibly high on all tests.
He doesn't like change, yet is bored with the same ol' same ol'...
He can read and internalize and then verbalize his thoughts and feelings about most things I put before him. 
Yet, he suffers from feeling ??? 
well, what is he feeling??? 
Frustration, anger, fear....
I see all of these in him,
yet I don't know why these feelings exist so strongly...

I wish so badly to be all that he needs.
I KNOW that I have it in me, I am his Momma, I was given what I need to raise him to be the very best he can be...I just haven't found it all in myself yet.  Just keep digging, I guess...and keep praying for sure...and never give up and never believe that I cannot find all the answers to these very tough questions, they are there somewhere.