Homeschool Conference!!!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Mom, You Just Don't Get It...


Last time I checked, I had the same feelings, the same fears, the same emotions, the same worries, the same anxiety, the same wonder...

But, apparently, BECAUSE I am the MOM, I don't get "IT"...

Not sure how to reach these kids who think I don't feel this pain.

I would love to say that going to our first day of Church in our new home was fabulous...the best way to describe it would be to say that it was less than successful...

We found the building without problem, arrived in plenty of time, found a comfy place to fit our big family, had several kind people approach us...all seemed to be going okay...until about 5 minutes into the sacrament meeting, I have two kids begging to go home.  Then one of them starts crying uncontrollably and has to leave while another flips out because this is not their ward, they don't want to be here and I cannot make them stay or go to class.  WOW!!!!  I did NOT see this coming today.  I knew it would be hard, I knew it would be scary for them, BUT I thought it would be my little ones who had fears that would  be evident for all to see, not my older kids.

THEN, we finally make it through the day and the emotions just keep flying...
I had finally had it when for the umpteenth time I heard those words AGAIN ~
"Mom, You Just Don't Get It!!!"

I don't get that going to church with people I don't know is hard and scary?  I don't get that leaving everything I know back at home hurts like crazy?  I don't get that my dream is vanishing before my eyes and there isn't one single dang thing I can do to make it reappear?  I don't get that all my friends are meeting for church in my building at my old house and I am not there anymore?  I don't get that all of this hurts and it totally stinks?  Okay, I guess I'm just the mom and so I don't get it.  Did I miss the memo that said when you become the mom you no longer have these feelings and you don't get it anymore?

Cause I am feeling it all...
I didn't want to go to a new church, I wanted to drive back to Middleton, too.  I wanted to give hugs to all the people I love to see every Sunday, I didn't want to find a smile to share with strangers, I didn't want to see where I would fit in.  I didn't want to try to console my little people while they hurt, BUT I am the Mom and I have to do things EVEN when I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do them.

I have decided that it is really tough to move big kids, they don't adjust as easily as little ones do.  My little girls are happy to be here, they are okay...they are looking forward to having a lemonade stand cause that's what you do when you live in a neighborhood.  Why can't we all be excited that we get a lemonade stand?  Why can't we all be turning this giant pile of sour lemons into sweet delicious lemonade?  Why can't we all be as sweet and innocent and accepting as my little ones are?

I hope and pray that this doesn't change, that these little kids continue to be happy, cause if ONE more person is unhappy in this move, I'm not so sure that I can keep trying to be happy.  I wake up in the morning determined that it will be a happy day, that all will go well, that my kids will smile and find joy in their surroundings, that they will not be so angry.  I know it is normal to need to be angry, I just wish their anger didn't have to come out at me.
I don't want this!
I don't want this big, beautiful home.
I want my little farm home that I dreamed of growing old in...I want to go back home.  BUT it isn't my home anymore.  Soon it will belong to someone else.  I wonder if they'll ever know how much this home meant to our family?  I wonder if they'll treasure it the way I did.  I wonder if they'll dream the same dream of growing old with their husband there.  I wonder if they'll ring a bell to call all their children in for dinner.  I wonder if they will watch their children ride horses and bikes, I wonder if they'll play in the creek or lay under the trees.  I wonder if they'll look out my bedroom window and gaze at the moon for hours, just as I did.  I wonder if they'll be missing something they had to leave or if they will LOVE my home the way I did.

I wish at this very moment that my kids could understand that Moms really do get it...they really do feel it...they really do hurt and want things to just be normal again.  They really do wish to run back home and go back to living their life that has been yanked out from under them.

BUT for now, I will just do my best to comfort them, to love them, to help them adjust.
And I will pour my heart out to you, my dear blog...
They should be spared the heartache that I feel.  They have no need to know that my very soul is hanging on a thread, grasping for peace and solace.