Being Real...

Confessions of "me"...

How I long to be the super positive, always see the bright side of things, cup half full, finding joy in all things kinda person.  I think most of the time I manage pretty well.

BUT
suppressed deep inside is this little part of me that just wants and needs to jump up and down, yelling out --
"HOLY CHICKENS!!!  
Oh my heck!  
Dang, this is hard!"
and when I'm finished with that little ranting and raving...I'd just keep going on --
"Are You sure this is what I signed on for???  I'm thinking you have me confused with someone else who can handle all this jazz, someone who walks about in a calm sort of fashion, never flipping out, never screaming and yelling, never wishing she could just go hide in her room with a big box of dark chocolates that she really doesn't want to share...I just want them ALL to myself...I don't want to be nice sometimes!  I don't want to try to have it all together, I don't want to pretend I have all the answers, I don't want to try to keep up...cause even if I get it all caught up today -- it'll just be piled back up again tomorrow."

I wake up each day and try with all of my might to put on my happy face, pull out my positive attitude,
find my Mom Armor for the day...ya know the stuff that helps all the crappy things kids say and do just slide right off your back as if it never hit you in the first place.
I know they are just kids and they don't really mean to be such little turd muffins...but some days they just are and I guess that's okay.
Or is it?
Is it okay?
Is it okay that at a certain point, the nice mommy in me takes a walk down the street while the not-so-nice mommy has her little flip out moment --which is sure to be followed by torturing myself with thoughts that  I have now damaged my perfectly wonderful children by making them stand in the corner, nose touching the wall with mouths closed and hands to their sides (wait a minute...if they were being perfectly wonderful...this moment would have never taken place!)
This is when you look up, because,
well that's simply all you have going for you at the moment...
and you question Him...
"Are You really, really sure You sent me with all that I would need to handle this job, to handle this life?  Cause I'm tellin' ya what...THIS IS NOT EASY!  In fact, some days just aren't any fun at all."

And if I have a day that the kids are really great...well someone else might just jump in and mess it up for me.  Some people just aren't very thoughtful and then I turn into this ugly beast because I can't get over my hurt feelings.  Wow!  This confession stuff is tough...

You must know, it kills me to admit to these feelings and thoughts!
I am very, very, very BIG on being the cheerleader for other moms... I counsel them to find the positive things about motherhood and to cherish those moments.  I try to help them overcome feelings of despair and hurt...I do my best to help them heal.
I think we all need that to keep us keepin' on.
I believe (at least most of the time) that we have control of our feelings and emotions.  I believe we can Choose Joy, we can decide if we want to tackle this life joyfully or if we just survive the days without a smile ever crossing over our face.

In saying all of this...there are days that choosing to be joyful is a real chore!  Cherishing moments seems laughable, because they all feel a little too yucky.
Days that I really just want to complain for a little while.
Why?
Why??
Why???

Why do I have insecurities?  Why do I have doubt?  Why didn't you send me a bunch of easy kids?  (Are there easy kids?  Not sure about that one...) Why can't work just pour in...we're willing to work hard, if only there were work to do!  Why do we have to go through struggles and changes?  Why the disappointments?  Why do dreams shatter before your eyes?  Why can't I just handle it all?  Why does the laundry never end?  Why can't I eat what I want and look like a million bucks at the same time?  Why does there have to be hardship in the world?  Why do we need to experience loss?  Why can't I just focus on my blessings and forget all the dumb stuff I worry about?

Okay...
here's what I really think--
I'm forever going to have days that expose the very things I cannot stand about myself...
I'm not perfect and if I could just get over trying to be, life might prove to be a tad less stressful.
It's okay that some days I don't really LOVE what I'm doing; 
I still LOVE who I am doing them for...  
I love and adore my very determined, strong-willed, intense, dramatic, perfectly delightful children! 
I'm still willing to do it all, I wouldn't trade my life or what I do for something glamorous
(although it is a tempting thought on those ugly days!)...
it's okay to just make it through...to tough it out.
I'd love to say that when you have one hard day, the next is surely going to be brighter; probably not gonna be the case if you are the mom.
YES, there are amazing moments EVERY day.  They are just mixed in with a whole bunch of super hard, super trying, super exhausting, super overwhelming moments.

My challenge is to find those brief lovely moments in each day and  allow them to shine brightly in my mind; never forgetting their magnificence as they become clouded over by the stormy mishaps of life.

This whole confessing thing is a big one...whew, glad I am done with that!
Thanks for listening, or reading as is the case, while I gave myself permission to have little fits and realize that, "yep, it's hard!" -- and it's probably not gonna change anytime soon, so stock up on the chocolate, invest in a lock on the bathroom door along with a pair of really good earplugs to cover up the wailing and moaning of the 50 children pounding and begging for your undivided attention as you pretend you cannot hear a thing from behind that lovely door!

Oh and one last thing, my little confession does not mean I have totally lost it.  I can still do this life.  I can still handle all these kiddos.  I can still run our business.  I can still homeschool these wild animals.  I can still tackle the mountains of laundry.  I can still dig my way through.  And I can still do it all with a smile.  And most importantly I STILL WISH TO DO IT ALL, DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

Just being real...