Peaceful and Pleasant...

I wrote a few days ago, I think the post was titled "What to do?"...
Well, I figured it out...
actually, I was blessed while in the shower with exactly what I needed to do.

I know it might seem strange that I get all the answers I am so desperately in need of --
always in the shower! 
It's the only quiet place I can find in this crazy life I live, so I'll take what I can get!

I REALLY needed to know how to help this sweet boy of mine,
how to touch his heart,
how to reach him,
how to understand what he needs
and why he needs it
and how I can help to make these things happen for him. 

And it came...
what is funny is that I really knew this all along, it wasn't some incredible NEW knowledge, it was as it most often is, quite simple.

ASK HIM!

Just sit and talk with this wonderful little young man that I have in my stewardship and ask him what he wants...then give him the privilege of following the Spirit and asking in prayer what he should do, what he feels would be best for him. 

The situation at first was one of a bit of sarcasm when I told him that he was in charge of making his own choice and that the only stipulations were that he must pray and then follow the spirit and then be peaceful and pleasant with the choices he made because he would then own them.
Upon announcing this privilege, his little sarcastic voice blurted out, "I already know what I want...", as quickly as it sprung from his mouth, I nipped it mid-sentence reminding him that he could not tell me his decision until the next day AFTER and only after he had truly prayed, weighed all the options, looked heavily at the pros and cons for both choices...THEN he could give me his answer.

Empowerment in little chunks is super powerful in BIG chunks for our kids and in turn, for us.

He was delighted (yet, didn't want to show just how elated he felt inside) that I believed in him enough to make these choices for himself.  A huge boost was added to this sweet boys self-esteem.  There is something special that occurs inside when you know that others REALLY believe in and trust you.

I am pleased to announce that this little man of mine has got one good head on his shoulders; he was able to spend the time he needed to re-connect, to find his answers, and to consider what would be the best situation for him.  He and I sat together after his pondering time and he expressed his feelings in a most positive way, coming to a conclusion that both he and I were very pleased with. 

AND
the best part???
HE IS HAPPY!
He is peaceful
and
he is pleasant.

And to think all I had to do was to trust that he knew what was best
and the biggie --
trust that he would make the best choice and
not the choice that may have been the funnest or the easiest for a teenage boy.

So thrilled and so happy to be a Mom
and to have had the opportunity of this teaching moment for our son.
He knows how to call for help and he knows where to call for that help...
the knowledge of using the Spirit is powerful and life changing.

Signing off peacefully and pleasantly...

Challenge for ya!

Okay, if YOU are a homeschooling momma
or if you are a mom who doesn't choose this crazy choice in life...
this post is for you...
well I guess if YOU are a Dad and you have kiddos,
this is also for you...
Now that we've got that all covered ~
let's move on to MY CHALLENGE FOR YOU!

Ready?

This is a good one...

It just might change your life...

And it just might change your relationships with those special little people you brought into this world...

And it just might make you take a step back and look in awe at those same kiddos...

I would challenge you,
okay I will even BEG YOU
to take some time to sit down with your kids
(if you don't already do this on a daily basis, you are missing out, your kids are amazing people!) 
anyway, sit down with those kiddos and ASK THEM,
yes take the time to ASK THEM what they love...
ask them what they'd like to know about. 
What intrigues them? 
What are they just dying to know more about? 
What is something that they've always dreamed of knowing or doing or seeing or exploring or just dipping their toes into?

IF YOU are a homeschooling family.... PLEASE, yes I am begging you again....PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE make this the most important thing you do this summer (just before it comes to a close)...

Sit down and make a list of all the things they will ramble out. 
You will learn so much about who they really are, some of the things they spout out may take you by surprise, some will come as no surprise at all. 
But the point is, when you know what floats their boat, YOU can reach them in a whole new way!!! 
HOW DOES THAT SOUND? 
Fantastic? 
You bet it is!

I so firmly believe that our kids really know who they are,
they know what they need to know,
they know what they are to become
and they know deep down what they need
to make these things come to pass...
WE just THINK we KNOW it all...but we don't! 
SO go ask them and don't be afraid of their answers.

Hand over some of this power to your kids,
I assure you that you will come out pleased
and your kids will be walking around on Cloud 9
BECAUSE
MOM BELIEVES in THEM and TRUSTS THEM to make some decisions for their future.

Okay, so the challenge again...
Just spend a little time, make a list
~ oh yeah, I forgot this part ~
FAIR WARNING!!!! 
This list may end up being pages long or could quite possibly fill an entire huge white board...
YOU won't likely be able to cover each and every one,
BUT you will have a start and YOU will know where your kids hearts are.

That's it...

Now when you accomplish this little challenge
and I know you will because you love your kids just that much...
I want you to treat you
and all of those little buggers you call your kids


to a big ol' messy ice cream cone!!! 

What a perfect way to end an amazing day...

Much love to you all!!!

What to do???

Do you ever have the feeling that you may be letting one of your kids down? 
Is it possible that you may not be meeting their expectations?
Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps you might need to adjust your way of thinking to better fit theirs?
During your quiet shower moments,
do you think to yourself that maybe, just maybe,
YOU might be the problem?

I have one son who I completely adore
(well I adore all of them, equally I might add)
but this one son and I seem to butt heads more than I wish we did.  It breaks my heart.  I think we have some serious power struggles happening and I am beginning to realize that it is up to me to make some changes. 
After all, I am the adult, I am the parent...
I cannot expect this young person to bend to my ways just because I am the mom and they are my ways.  I feel that I need to be more flexible to meet his expectations.
(Contrary to what some may believe, I do not for one single moment believe that I am allowing him to WIN the power struggle by bending...isn't that what a Mom is supposed to do?  Aren't we to do all that we can to figure all these little people out and to help them live happy, successful lives?) 
Okay, enough of that, back to being more flexible to meet his expectations...

Now saying that is a bit funny, because I am quite flexible and like things to flow, I actually really enjoy flying by the seat of my pants. 
BUT this son of mine is not like me. 
He NEEDS structure,
he NEEDS to know what is happening at all times.

Several years ago, our family was traveling to see all of the counties in Idaho after doing a great year of study.  Our goal was to visit all the areas we had learned about and to fully experience it all.  I am thrilled to say that we did meet our goal. 
BUT it was painful for our son!!! 
WHY? 
Well, because we were just going with the flow, stopping on a whim, reading every sign we came upon, stopping at everything that looked of interest to any one who was in the car. 
The problem was that for a son who needs to know when he is eating and where he is eating and what time he is eating and exactly what will he be eating; for a son who needs to know where he will be sleeping that night and if it will be a hotel or a motel and what city or little town it will be in; for a son who needs to know which counties we will be visiting that day and how long we'll be in each one; for a son who NEEDS to know these things, I failed. 
I failed BECAUSE I failed to see how very REAL all of this feels to him. 
Instead, I simply hugged him and told him not to worry, I assured him that he would eat yummy food many times a day and that he would have a nice place to sleep and that all would be okay,
he smiled and tried to be okay with this,
BUT DEEP DOWN,
he was not. 
And he still is not. 

He hasn't changed. 
I haven't changed.
He can't change because it is part of WHO he is;
and because I am his momma,
I MUST CHANGE to make life feel safe for him.

This poor boy of mine...I keep wondering why everything takes me so long to get...he is 13, it's not like he's 3 and I'm getting it all figured out, I've been trying -- desperately trying -- to figure him out all these years and I keep comin' up with nothin', well not nothin' but darn close. 

Now...I am dealing with planning for a successful school year knowing that I must be more flexible to meet his expectations, yet I am not even certain that I REALLY know what those are...

What are his expectations?
What does he want?
What does he need?
What makes him happy?

Can he help to build his successful year? 
Can he help build the structure that he needs?
Can I meet his expectations and more importantly, can I meet his needs?

Sometimes loving your kids with all of your heart just isn't enough.
We have to be able to "get" them...
What is it that makes him tick?
What is it that drives him?
What is it that makes him feel safe and secure and happy and productive and successful?
What would help to minimize his overwhelming feelings of discontent?
What would help him to feel like he is accomplishing everything his heart desires?

He is brilliant, has no troubles with school at all...scores incredibly high on all tests.
He doesn't like change, yet is bored with the same ol' same ol'...
He can read and internalize and then verbalize his thoughts and feelings about most things I put before him. 
Yet, he suffers from feeling ??? 
well, what is he feeling??? 
Frustration, anger, fear....
I see all of these in him,
yet I don't know why these feelings exist so strongly...

I wish so badly to be all that he needs.
I KNOW that I have it in me, I am his Momma, I was given what I need to raise him to be the very best he can be...I just haven't found it all in myself yet.  Just keep digging, I guess...and keep praying for sure...and never give up and never believe that I cannot find all the answers to these very tough questions, they are there somewhere.

Potatoes and Rocks and Shiny Stuff!!!

The creativity has been amazing around here...

If you are dying to spark some creativity in your lil' gang,
all you need is a little cement mix,
a few red potatoes,
a variety of little stones
and some shiny stuff (everyone loves shiny stuff!),
a rainbow of paint colors,
a front yard with rocks and more rocks and more rocks...
oh, and the magical ingredient...a touch of imagination!

After being home for most of the summer while I've been unable to drive, our kiddos decided to do something with themselves instead of wandering about being "Bored all the time"  :0) 
How often do you hear that line at your house???

Anyway, my kids spent an entire afternoon and evening as happy as could be just painting away and creating.  They started out painting potatoes...

I know it sounds a bit strange, but they asked and I figured, why not? 

After several hand fulls of red potatoes I decided we best be moving on to less tasty items to turn into masterpieces...how about rocks! 

OH MY, the real fun began when they started painting all the rocks out front, so sweet! 

I wish I had a picture of the whole thing, but the sprinklers came on before I snapped one, darn it!!!

As you can see, I only have a couple "hams"...the rest of them hide from the camera,

I felt pretty lucky to actually get Wyatt to smile for the camera! 

The girls LOVE to have their pictures taken,

but there's something about being a teenager that stifles that excitement...

I have to be a little sneakier to get them in the shots!!!

We also had a load of fun making a stepping stone and adorning it with all sorts of goodies...

the biggest problem was that a little too much water had been added to the mixture,

so some of the little treasures sank under the surface ~

this made for a couple of unhappy little girls. 

Who wants their treasures to be hidden under cement?

They lose all their shine and sparkle...

The tears subsided when I said,

"well, we'll just have to give it another shot!!! 

Practice makes perfect, right?!" 

Who knew there could be a lesson in following directions while being creative? 

I think I've come to a conclusion,

I've only been a MOM for more than half of my life and I'm just getting this one,

but here it is:

KIDS NEED to be able to be kids

they NEED to create

they NEED to get dirty

they NEED to get wet

they NEED to try

and they NEED to fail

and they NEED to see that both are okay...

they NEED to laugh

and

they NEED

a Mom who will laugh with them...

and Moms NEED kids to keep them happy and laughing and living!

It's time to go buy some more cement, we've got more learning to do,

more shiny moments to remember

and with any luck at all

we'll come out with a stepping stone that adorns all the sparkly stuff that smiles are made of!

Gold Stars 'n Billboards

I'm wondering if I missed my other "calling" in life...
My first calling is Mom, but I can't help but feel that there is another.

It seems that no matter where I go, no matter the situation, there is most often someone who needs to talk, someone who just needs a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on or a friend to comfort their heavily burdened heart.  I'm beginning to think I must have a sign that is invisible to my eyes but one that blinks in obnoxious bright colors with an open invitation to the weariest of hearts that I am the perfect source of comfort and counsel and that ALL details should be dumped for the sorting.

Now I want you to know that I do not mind this, I just find it fascinating and more than a little curious.  I am starting to see this as a blessing in my life, it is still very odd to me, I don't know that I will ever understand WHY these people come to me...strangers, people I've never met, never spoken to....and yet, it is as though I am an overpowering magnetic force for them...I just suck 'em all in!

I can be anywhere, seriously anywhere and IT happens.
The grocery store, walking down the street, sitting at a scouting activity, or while picking up school supplies for my kiddos.  Some are significant, others more casual.  Today was one that may stick out in my mind for some time.

My hubby had a job and since it was a Saturday afternoon and since I make his schedule, which means I made him have to work on a day he could have had off, I felt like it was only right that I go along for the ride and keep him company, so I did.

Well, we arrive at this beautiful little home and my husband starts cleaning the carpets and the next thing I know I am in a DEEP conversation with the young man who owns the home.  He was simply showing me around and I commented on how lovely his home was; it was being prepped for sale, so I inquired if he and his wife (which he'd already mentioned when referring to the choice of paint colors on the walls) had found a larger home or if they were still looking. 

That's where it all started. 

He asked me, "Do you believe in God?" 
I felt a smile immediately come across my face as I told him that, "YES...I sure do..."

I guess that made it safe for him to talk with me???

We proceeded to discuss his marriage, the lack of love he felt for and from his wife and the fact that LOVE had never truly existed.
He said they had met and quickly married at the age of 21...there was all sorts of excitement and hooplah with the planning and such, but the Real stuff just hadn't been there.  He referred to her very kindly and never spoke ill of her at all...rather, he spoke of her in a very tender way, one of concern.  He mentioned that he felt they were more like great roommates and friends, not a great couple.
One of his primary concerns that he needed addressed was
if I felt he was less of a Christian
if he chose to go through with his divorce. 
He was so concerned about what their friends and family were saying regarding divorce and how that was not something a Christian would do...
they mentioned to him that the Bible says they cannot and should not end their marriage.

Well, my advice to him was two fold...
to begin with the most important thing to me was to have him reconsider whether or not there had ever REALLY been a true love present in his heart for her...
BECAUSE if it had been there,
and had just lost some of its luster and awe,
if there had been a full flame at one time --
that a spark could always be re-lit and it could be even better and brighter and more magnificent than ever before...
sadly, after listening to him,
I can honestly say that I think both he and his wife deserve more than what he can give to her,
she deserves to be loved
and he deserves to be with someone he can love.  

I felt ever so grateful that they did not have children together;
I found myself telling him that the very most important thing that he needed to consider was the possibility of ever bringing children into their lives and how vital it would be that those little people could see and feel the love that their daddy had for their momma. 
Again, it just wasn't there for him, so this is best...they both need and deserve more!

Secondly, I addressed the "Christian" comment...
(this may not sit well with some of you, and if it doesn't I am sorry, BUT I FEEL this quite passionately!)...
so I asked him if he felt that God put him on this Earth to be unhappy? 
I asked him if this life is just to be a test to see how much he could endure or if he believed that God had something much bigger in mind for him? 
Did he believe that God wished for him to find joy and happiness in life or to just wade through day after day? 
We don't receive a Gold Star at the end of this life for making it through...we don't have to stay in a situation that isn't right. 

I believe with all of my heart that our Heavenly Father looks down and just like we, as mothers and fathers do, wishes for His children to be blissfully happy...to be living each day as if they'd just received a big Gold Star. 

(think back to being a little person, wasn't it just the best to be the recipient of one of those fantastic stickers?  I think He'd like us to feel that same glee inside as often as possible)

It is true that marriages aren't perfect, and I know that every day is not really going to be a Gold Star day, BUT I DO KNOW ..."Men are, that they might have joy"  (2 Nephi 2:25) and I believe that a great deal of responsiblity lies with us to help bring about that joy in our own lives.

Going back to my little friend today...
I don't know if I gave him all the right answers
or if I gave him any of the right answers,
but what I saw was a young man who walked away with his shoulders a little higher, with his smile a little brighter and his heart a little lighter...
he told me that he knew God had brought me into his life today and he thanked me for spending time with him.

So...I will add him to my list of people I will pray for and I will thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing that he has given me...this amazing billboard I carry about on my head brings some pretty phenomenal experiences my way.  I really do love people and I find it a privilege to spend a little time lifting their hearts.

Wishing you a beautiful Sunday!

You don't have to be a victim anymore!

After one of my last posts,
(Is it Safe to be Joyous?)
I've had several interesting conversations...
This morning a dear friend of mine called and we talked at length about many things.  I am very grateful for her call and feel that there are things that I learned, recognized or came to terms with in myself.

She made a comment to me, can't quote it, wish I could...but, it was something along the lines of:
You don't have to be a victim, you do not have to give power over to anyone who has ever wronged you in the past, he (whoever he may be in each of our lives) cannot have power over you unless you choose to give it to him.

WOW!

Okay, I know it is a no-brainer again...BUT sometimes you just need to hear someone say those words out loud for it to "click"!  And this morning it did just that, CLICK...

I have allowed myself for the majority of my life to be a victim.  Even though, the things that gave cause for me to be victimized/abused were well over 20 years ago, I have held on to them, I have held on to the fear...I have allowed it to keep me in this place for far too long.

I have allowed this person that I made my escape from to continue to control me and my emotions for a ridiculous amount of time.  So in saying that, I have never fully escaped, I have never fully removed myself, I have stayed (at least a small part of me) in that same helpless, scared little state.

Another thing that we discussed was being a child...

And something amazing happened ~ I saw this person(s) in a new light ~ I could see them as little boys and my heart broke for them.  There were things in their lives that caused them to choose to be ugly, to choose to inflict damage to another...
something in their past that damaged their little hearts, that hardened them, that caused them to be without feeling or remorse.

I have never been able to fully forgive or to let go of some hard things from long ago, but with the thought that they were once little children, little boys, much like my own ~ sweet and tender and so easily influenced for good or for bad ~  my own heart has been softened.
The best part is that it takes the "Scaryness" away...when I can picture a little boy hurting and struggling and suffering, I can feel sorry for that little person and I can more easily understand WHY a person would do the things that they do.

NOW, PLEASE know that I am absolutely NOT condoning or excusing abusive behavior...I COULD NEVER bring myself to that point, I am simply saying that this is helping me to overcome being a victim.  When I DECIDE to take myself out of that role, I AM FREE!

I decide now to end this, to rid myself of the fear that has been with me...to be whole and complete and trusting.  I can even say I am in a place that I feel I would be able to pray for these individuals, that is a huge step in the right direction for me.

On another note:
I have spent a great deal of time considering just grabbing my trusty ol' notebook or journal and keeping these thoughts and feelings to only me...I have felt there may be times (Okay, I KNOW there have been times) that I've revealed too much here, but for some reason I feel this is what I am to do.  Who knows, maybe someone "out there", maybe you?, needs to read this...needs to see that someone else went through horrific things in their life and they are proof that life can be beautiful and wonderful and fulfilling and that there really is a Happily Ever After waiting for them...

No one ever has to remain a victim...free yourself...seek for the peace you deserve.

With Love,
Stacey

My Work of Art

As I considered what to share with you, I recalled our summers in the past . . .
One of our favorite times of the summer is the day when we all sit and share
--either by stating or blurting out or jumping up and down in excitement--
the ideas we have that we’d love to learn about for our upcoming year.
The list is always quite lengthy and includes everything from
how pencil sharpeners work
to what people in India like to eat.


A few years ago, I purchased a canvas that I had plans of filling with the varied ideas of our family. I had hoped to have each child express their desires on this canvas. I could picture it in my mind hanging as a reminder of all the dreams we each had for our year.

It is with those thoughts that I write this message to you on this beautiful sun-filled, dreamy day!

Do you see your family as a work of art? Do you recognize the worth of this beautiful piece you hold in your hands? Do you see how each detail that is added provides a new layer, a new depth, a new insight? Is this a piece of work that you stand back and admire? Is it a piece that is still in the making? Is it perfected? Does this work of art speak to your soul and make a smile cross your face? Does it motivate you to do more, to be better?

Take a moment and think of your homeschooling as a work of art.
This work of art is all that YOU make of it . . .
it is all that YOU put into it.
When you look, can you see the magical piece of work that you have poured your time, talents and love into?
Is it a place you long to be?
Is it inviting?
Do your children long to join you?

A simple acrostic that may be of help to visualize the creation of this fabulous Work of ART follows:

A is for Attitude

R is for Relationships

T is for Teaching

When we focus on keeping things in this order--Attitude, Relationships, Teaching--it can be a wonderful thing! If you are anything like me, you may have a tendency to put the Teaching ahead of the attitudes or the relationships, but when our Attitude or the attitudes of our children are not “right,” there will surely be conflicts in our homes and our Relationships will suffer for it . . . teaching must come last, it must be the last priority. This does not mean teaching cannot happen on a daily basis in a most fantastic sort of way . . . it can and it will when all things are in order. It is so much more important to keep an eye on where our Attitudes lie and if we are putting our Relationships with our kids above the education and the Teaching of them.

May your Work of Art speak to you and to your children . . . and may it be a constant reminder of the beauty that homeschooling can be!

(Written as Presidents Message for August Newsletter for DHSA)