Homeschool Conference!!!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

So, what are you supposed to be learning from all of this?

I have a friend who has asked me 2 or 3 times during my bout with pneumonia, "So what are you supposed to be learning from all of this?"
Well, to tell you the truth, the first time she asked me it took me a little by surprise...
AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING SOMETHING FROM ALL OF THIS?
I don't really think I gave her a response the first or the second time, and I cannot even recall if I responded the third time...BUT, it has given me a lot to think about. So thank you for prompting some brain activity.
I still don't feel that I have a complete answer to that question, I think it may be more of a process, it may take some time to really answer it fully in my heart.

A few of the things I feel I am supposed to be learning, doesn't mean I HAVE LEARNED THEM yet, I am just supposed TO BE learning them...again, a process...

Patience, Acceptance, Listening, Watching, Relaxing ...

Patience...I THOUGHT I was getting this one, but I guess not. I have found that I am extremely impatient...my frustration while being sick has been at an all time high!!! I am sooooo frustrated that I cannot do ALL the things I used to do, I still cannot even read to my kids...one of the things that most Moms just take for granted -- I know I always have, and now I can't do it and it stinks just a little bit! But what I have been able to do is to sit back and WATCH my kids do more of their own independent reading and more reading to one another, this may not have happened had I been able to continue on doing what I did each day...so WATCHING and LISTENING to the beautiful things my kids do has been a blessing. I have found during this time that I am not as Patient of a Mother as I'd like to be, or that I should and need to be...I want my kids to jump when I ask them to do something and do it RIGHT then, sometimes, they don't jump as quickly or as high as I'd prefer and my patience is tested...and guess what? I fail each and every time, instead of letting things happen peacefully, I jump, not up, but right down their throat and I hate that I am so impatient. So this is one I am supposed to be learning, not one I have mastered...with myself or with my family :( But I am more aware and I believe that is the first step because I can recognize when I am being impatient and take that deep breath (okay, I can't take super deep breaths yet, but I can imagine taking that deep cleansing breath and then think before I speak or act) I really hope I can be done being sick before I learn this lesson, or I may be sick for way longer than I'd like...
Acceptance is a biggie...acceptance of myself, of my abilities and of my LIMITATIONS. Acceptance of my best not necessarily being THE Best. Acceptance of my children's best and sometimes accepting that they don't always WANT to give their best. Accepting that I don't have to always have it all together. Accepting that I don't have to fix everyone, maybe even deeper than that...that I cannot fix anyone, but I can love them and let them know I am there and that I care and let that be enough. Accepting help from people who love me...this should be so easy, but I find it so much easier to help others, there is no guilt associated in helping, only in receiving...I have found during this little period of time, that I have the very BEST FRIENDS in the whole world...I have people who love me and want to help...
I think I am also learning Gratitude in a whole new light, I have always been grateful, that one is pretty easy, but when you are the recipient of so much love and kindness, the gratitude is exponentially higher, so I'll add Gratitude to my list of things I am supposed to be learning (and I actually thought I had that one under control)
And speaking of Control...I might as well add that one, too...I cannot be in control of all situtations, I thought I could control my own little world, not everything outside of it, but at least those things that I love and cherish the most...how wrong I have found myself to be. I have absolutely no control of anything, or at least that is how I have felt this past month. I feel that I am learning that it is okay to not be in control, it is okay that I don't have everything under control, I don't have to control each day of my schooling, I can't control how my house is cleaned or not cleaned, or control how the towels are folded and put away or the dishes are cleaned and put away or, or, or...
This is such a hard one for me...while being sick I have had to sit and watch and listen and relax and let others do, I haven't been able to be up to say what needs to happen and how it needs to happen and when it needs to happen and then finally if it all happened okay...I think I might be a little sick in the head after taking a good look at myself! I think I'm a tad bit scary ~ I might even go as far as calling myself a Monster - oh, those are such ugly words...I really don't want to be ugly, I don't want to be a monster, I don't want to control everything around me, I guess I just don't want Chaos, I need order and happiness and joy and maybe I have been stifling those very things that I cherish by trying so hard to make them happen each day...hmmm, this growing and learning is a little painful!

Relaxing was the last on my list...maybe because it is the last thing I ever do...I am much better at being busy than at relaxing and putting my feet up. I think I've had enough relaxing for the next several years. But as I write that and I think about the word "RELAXING", I don't know that I really mastered that one either. I did a lot of complaining while I had to sit, instead of enjoying having the time to sit and relax... so darn, I think I failed that one, too! Maybe I still have to sit so often, because I haven't found any joy in the act, I have only found frustration. Wow, writing is sooo good for me! I learn so many things about myself as I write, my brain and my heart seem to open up together...I should do this more often.
So, as I am sitting to catch my breath, I will be joyful about it and I will not complain again! I will not worry about all that is being left undone as I sit, I will just grab a fabulous book and be grateful for my time...
It's painful to take a good, hard look at yourself and think about what lessons in life you are to be learning, but I am grateful that I am aware of my limitations and my failures because now I can only grow and become closer to who I know I can become, to who I have the potential to be. What a fantastic morning...I'm so happy to know ME a little better!