Looking for the good

Not such an easy thing to do on a day that feels rather bleak...

I am playing the waiting game, I AM NOT PATIENT, especially when it's big stuff that I'm waiting for. 
It might be different if what I was waiting for had little impact on my life, but when it's all about my very life, I find that it just feels a little dismal and gray.

My husband and I decided last week that it was time to head out to see ANOTHER doctor...this vertigo has gotten the best of me.  It has been over 3 months and can I tell you that is a Very Long Time!!!  The worst part is that the vertigo is not improving, it is actually getting worse again...very frustrating and discouraging!

Well, I made some calls and ended up finding a doc that I am actually quite happy with. 
He seems to be quite thorough and on top of it. 
He has run a load of blood work --
not my favorite thing in the world to do,
but I survived and I didn't even cry or pass out!  woo hoo!!!

Got all the results back Monday and then they had to run additional blood tests ~ my word!
Well, I was filled with hope that all my problems were figured out with the nasty results that came back. 
My "numbers" were anything but happy...
on the extremely high or extremely low side of things. 
Thyroid not happy at all,
cholesterol also a little unhappy,
liver not feeling too great,
and iron on the ridiculously low side of life. 
All of this should be enough to make me feel as crappy as I do...
but NO!!! 
It couldn't be that easy...

Next, was the MRI...
for those who have never had one of these fun little procedures, well count yourselves lucky! 
I do not love tight, confined little areas,
nor do I like my head to be held in place,
and I really am not loving a lot of loud, obnoxious noise all around me. 
On this lovely day, I was the very unlucky recipient of each and every one of these fine things! 
And then to top it all off... the tech,
(which I must add in was a very kind and delightful sort of guy)
told me after being in this confining little tube for what felt like hours,
"great job, looks like we are all done here,
just need to have another doc take a look and then I can get you out of here." 

Those were the greatest words I heard in a very long time, in my mind I jumped for joy and screamed out "FANTASTIC...so ready to be done!"

THEN my bubble was burst into a million pieces...
he comes into the room, pulls me out of this terrifying tube and says,
"I need you to lie perfectly still without moving your head...
the neuro doc wants to see more...
I need to start an IV so that we can run a dye through your brain,
but don't worry we just need to see a few more things."

So now, I am laying there with a needle in my arm, having it pump some nasty dye into my body and I have to go back into the tube of death and try not too worry, yeah right! 
Oh I forgot to mention,
I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time...
I was so worried that IF I were to open my eyes, I might completely flip out...
so I tried to pretend I was sleeping ~ major FAIL!

Well, all I can say at this point is that I am so grateful that I know I am never alone,
because in all of those moments in that scary tube,
I felt very, very alone
and very, very frightened. 
I wanted my husband to just be able to wrap his big, strong arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay, I wanted to cry into his chest and just let him make it all go away, but he had to sit outside in the waiting room and there I was very alone and very frightened.

But then I prayed with all of my might,
I prayed that I would be able to lay still,
I prayed that I could act like a big girl,
I prayed that I would not have a freak out moment,
I prayed that I would be okay,
I prayed that they would find NOTHING,
I prayed that I would not be afraid,
I prayed that I would not be alone and that I could feel at peace. 

And the best thing happened,
I didn't feel alone anymore...
I wasn't alone anymore...I was okay --
still not loving the situation I was in,
but not alone
and that is so much happier than doing hard things by yourself!
I could almost feel my hand being held and when my heart would pound to the point I thought it might jump out of my chest, I felt as though I was being held tightly.

Today, I find myself feeling those same scary feelings I experienced just days ago...
the results from the MRI came back
and I have to say that the unknown of all the stuff they told me is pretty darn scary! 

I spent time in my room alone, begging to not feel alone and terrified
and again, peace came to my heart. 
I cried buckets of tears and I'm sure more are coming,
but I know that no matter what comes,
I will never be alone.

Yesterday, the phone call came...
and the reaction I had from it was not pretty!
What the H-E-double toothpicks does that mean???

And then, the worst part the doctor can't even tell me what it means...hmmm, don't get that one at all!!!

This morning we went back to the Dr. office to try to get some additional clarification...a smidge more, but no clear answers.

So, now I am back to waiting and looking for the good.
The Neurologist will be calling...
and then I will be going to see him --
he knows everything, or so I am told.

So until then, I will sit by the phone or I might do crazy things like clean out my pantry (Oh yeah, just did that one today trying to forget all of this) maybe I'll spend time looking at all my beautiful flowers in the backyard...maybe I'll have my little ones put on a puppet show for me...I don't know, but something. 
IF I had a yellow slug-bug
and IF I could drive,
I'd be checking out the countryside with the wind blowing through my hair and the radio cranked as high as it could go, I would drown myself in all of my favorite songs and sing my heart out...IF ONLY...

I just know that not knowing and having to wait stinks in the most offensive smelly kind of way!

And I can't even eat a giant chocolate cake to make me feel better, because it will just make me sick ...and for some reason carrots and pea pods just do not have the same magical effect as chocolate.  Time to pull out the GF Brownie recipe and go for it!

Thanks for always being here for me blog...sometimes it's just too hard to say all of this stuff out loud.  I cry a whole lot less while typing and you don't have to listen to my high-pitched Alvin impersonation while the tears are rollin'...

Ready for another day
and for a little bit of good news,
please.