Saying Goodbye...

As I prepare to give my final goodbye to our home this week, I find myself longing for what was, for what we had there, I find that I keep wishing to continue making more beautiful memories there.

Just Monday, all my boys and I were there and as I walked around the yard checking to make sure we had things picked up and taken care of, I could picture so many incredible times we had enjoyed.
I saw our tents pitched in the backyard as we did our campouts,
I saw our million little chairs all gathered around the firepit,
I saw my boys jumping their bikes over the jumps,
I saw my little girls playing on the playset and sliding down the slide,
I saw boys hanging from tree limbs,
I saw my sweet hubby fishing in the back creek and forever working on fixing our irrigation pump,
I saw Danielle and her horses doing laps around the property...

I saw my life...

I recalled laying out under the trees with my kids watching the clouds roll past
or laughing as our eyes tried to keep up with the busy squirrels jumping from one branch to another.
It seemed as though every spot my eyes would rest upon held another memory.

I remembered the wonder of my little children each time a new little batch of babies would arrive at our home...
whether they be kittens or baby birds,
the little calves we bottle fed,
or the chickens that we raised...
baby kittens were the most exciting and taught us some big lessons about life and love and loss.
It was with the chickens that I saw how our children feel about being restrained...they refused to make them stay in their coop, feeling it was unfair for them to not be allowed to explore the world.  So needless to say, we rarely enjoyed any eggs, BUT we did have happy kids and happy chickens and not a single bug!

Chad saw me wandering around out back and came to my rescue...he really doesn't like to see me cry and always does his best to help make it stop.  :0)  I so love his care and his humor and his positive outlook!  As he wiped away my tears he reminded me that it was okay, that this is not the end of the world, not the end of our life, just a new chapter and one that he is excited to start.  I keep hoping to have his same excitement...it's coming, I can feel it, I don't dread the thought of starting over in a new place nearly as much as I did.  It still frightens me and I still long to be surrounded with the people I love in Middleton, BUT I am not too far from them...so time to start on this new chapter with a smile on my face.

Just last night, I found a journal entry from Bathsheba Smith, as she prepared to leave her home and her belongings in Nauvoo.
This is what she wrote...
"We left a comfortable home, the accumulations of four years of labor and thrift and took away with us only a few much needed articles of clothing, bedding, and provisions.  We left everything else behind us for our enemies.  My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor, and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door.  Then with emotions in my heart which I could not now pen and which I then strove with success to conceal, I gently closed the door and faced an unknown future, faced a new life, a greater destiny as I well knew, but I faced it with faith in God...I was going into the wilderness, but I was going with the man I loved dearer than my life.  I had my little children.  I had heard a voice, so I stepped into the wagon with a certain degree of serenity."  (In Their Own Words:  Women and the Story of Nauvoo, 213)

What a beautiful example she is for me.
Many think I should just walk away and not worry about tidying up or cleaning anything, BUT that was MY PRECIOUS SPOT and I want to leave it as I would have had it when I was there.
At one point I felt I was leaving it to our enemies...
the bank...
but in all actuality, the bank won't live in my home,
another family will and they will deserve to walk into something that in nice and tidy and ready for them and for their kiddos.
I do wish that I could conceal with success the emotions I feel in my heart, as she did, but I fail at that and I think it is okay.
I feel as though I have had to mourn the loss of something great...
at times I have felt that was silly, it is not, it is real and it hurts but we can heal and move on.
 
Today I will go and finish my work and do my tidying and give my goodbyes while it is still mine, before the bank takes it all away.
I will walk away gracefully and without anger, I will gently close that door behind me and I will look forward to an amazing new chapter.  "Then with emotions in my heart which I could not now pen and which I then strove with success to conceal, I gently closed the door and faced an unknown future, faced a new life, a greater destiny as I well knew, but I faced it with faith in God...I was going into the wilderness, but I was going with the man I loved dearer than my life.  I had my little children."


I realize that my comparison is a wretched one...her situation was so dreadful against mine, but her words brought peace to my heart.  She was able to focus on the things that mattered most and leave what mattered least behind.  I am grateful for her words and for her example of faith.

I have MY man and MY little children...
so I will walk away and leave my home and I will face what lies ahead of us with Faith...
I know there is a plan for us...
I know we are blessed, we do not have to endure going into the wilderness,
we simply had to move 30 minutes away
and I have with me the most precious of all things...my family!


Goodbye my sweet home...thank you for the beautiful memories...you will always be missed!