I'm Defeated...

the very thought of dealing with some things brings a desperate, despairing feeling of inadequacy to my soul.

It matters not the strength that we possess if we fail to recognize it within ourselves.

This is the point I've reached,
I know I possess the strength but find it difficult to see it within myself...
my strength has been weakened and I feel less than who I truly am...
I have had cause to question just who I am and I find that I feel defeated before I even begin...

Yet as I write those words,
I am immediately stricken with the thought that I am only defeated if I allow myself to be...


I am in charge, I am in control of me...
I do not have to turn that over to another,
I do not need to feel weak or small because of another,
I do not need to change who I am to please another,
I do not have to lessen the spirit within me to appease the crowds,
I do not have to withhold the deepest, most sincere thoughts that I have for fear of offending another,
I do not have to conform to be accepted...

All that I have to do is to be me,
to follow the Spirit that guides me,
to share the light that has been given to me and to not be afraid to do so...

I'm Defeated ONLY when I allow myself to be...

Have you ever been faced with something that just feels bigger than you are? 
Something that makes you want to shrink at the very thought of dealing with "it"?
Something that tears at your very core?
Something that, no matter how difficult it will be to handle, must be handled and not swept under the carpet?

Of course you have! 
We all have...
I guess this would fall under the "test" part of life...the part that makes us wiggle in our seats or wish to hide our heads in the sand!

The past couple of weeks, I have been tormented
(YES that is truly how I've felt!)
with a task that is before me. 
I have been asked to do something that goes against what I feel is right.
It goes against the very things that make my life what it is. 
How can one set aside a deep part of themselves to please another? 
Why would we even do that? 
Better yet, WHY would anyone ask that of another? 
Why can't we all just love and accept each other...without condition, without judgement, without condemnation...

The emotion that I have felt while dealing with this situation has been overwhelming. 
I feel that I am generally pretty level headed, that I look at life in the most positive way possible, that I see the good in others and that I truly live my life in the hope of blessing others around me.

So...
When I am asked to do something contrary to what I am "okay" with, my little world feels under attack. 
I feel as though I've just survived one massive earthquake,
I've come out and I'm still on top;
then the thought comes;
surely there will be the aftershocks of that massive quake...can I withstand those? 
Am I too weak? 
Will they hurt too much? 
Will I remain standing at the end of this "test"?

I am grateful that my structure, my foundation, is strong and sure...
It's strength has been tested!
And with the aftershocks that are looming in my future
I find it imperative to take stock of where I stand, am I prepared for what is to come?
Do I know what I believe? 
Am I prepared to stand up for those things that are the most important in my world? 
As uncomfortable as this all feels, I know I will be stronger for it.
It is simply another of those times that I need to grow... 

I will admit that I haven't liked one single moment of this little earthquake!!!
I'd really prefer to just have a little temper-tantrum, screaming, hitting, kicking and just generally flipping out, but since that wouldn't really be appropriate for someone my age, I'll just whine and complain that sometimes life isn't fair...and it's not...

Why does growth have to be so stinkin' painful? 

Makes me think of the long nights when one of our little ones would wake crying and miserable, as they suffer growing pains ...
I have always felt helpless, I can't make that pain go away.
I can kiss them and try to make it better, I can rub where it hurts, I can lay with them and try to comfort them, but I cannot make it end.

I recall so many nights just thinking how unfair it was for this sweet little person of mine to be in such real pain.  And as time goes on, they will each experience other kinds of pain as they grow and unfortunately, my little kiss will probably not end that pain either.

Why must we suffer through hard times?  Why does it have to hurt so? 

The best guess I can come up with is that during our struggles and our suffering we experience feelings that become so deep within that they will never be forgotten.  Our moments of growth and understanding need to be remembered, they cannot be lost or we may at some future point also become lost.  I actually think we NEED these hard, ugly, confusing, heart-wrenching experiences.

The other part of this answer is one I find more and more the older I become.  It is during these times that I realize I cannot do it all on my own.
I need help! 
I need guidance!
I need my Savior to step in and pick up the pieces when they have all crumbled down around my feet and I don't have the strength to even bend over. 
He stands ready to pick it all up and put it all back together. 
I am lousy at asking Him to step in...
He has to be so frustrated with me on a continual basis. 
I'm sure He'd love to take a 2x4 and whack me right upside the head and knock a little sense into me.
But you know what...
He "gets" me. 
He knows I am stubborn and that I think I can do it alone, I am a brat and I want to be independent, I don't want to have to ask for help, I just want to figure it all out and move on to happier days...I'm thinking He must feel its high time for me to get this lesson down.  And you know what it has been magnificent...He answers my prayers by showing me witness after witness of exactly what I most need.  I am truly blessed by his kindness and understanding.

So in closing this whole dump my heart out on my blog for the whole world to see and wonder why the heck I open myself up like this...

I'm defeated only when I allow myself to be...
and
I do not give up that easily
I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED (remember, I am a brat!)
I will stand strong
I will stand for what I believe in
I will do it with a smile on my face
and with love in my heart.

I will come out knowing who I am
with more assurance than before this little quake in my life.
My testimony will be strengthened, I will stand solid and unshakable. 
And when this is all over and I move on...
my hope is to help another stand when they feel they no longer have the strength to do so.