The "No" Parent...

Tonight I was told I am the "No" Parent...
what a crappy thing to hear.

WARNING: 
This is not going to be one of my happier posts...so if you are looking for a bunch of joyful thoughts, this may not be the place...
tonight this blog is all about pouring out my heart and trying to find solace in this hard place called Motherhood.

Why can't I just close my eyes and not worry about my kids so much? 
Why does my heart have to hurt and feel concern? 

Why do I find myself comparing me, as the Mom, and my family to other moms and other families?  Why do I feel like I'm just not cutting it???

Yes, I've whined like this before...
I know, it's not pretty,
but
sometimes it just happens...
and tonight
my heart needs to dump.

We hear all the comments that people spout off about how kids will always turn out just so,
as long as we do all the right things in raising them. 
If we take them to church
and we read to them at night
and we say our prayers together
and we have meals together as a family
and we play with them
and tell them how much they mean to us
that all will turn out in a "happily ever after" sort of fashion. 

WELL...
I haven't been perfect
BUT I am going to say that I have given it my all, I've done EVERYTHING I've been able to do...

I've poured my entire heart and soul into these kids that were sent to me. 
I've loved them all the time,
even on days that they felt less than lovable...
I've held them,
I rocked them to sleep every single night of their little lives,
I pray for them,
I hug them,
I tell them I love them,
I really do try to be the best Mom I know how to be...

but guess what,
that's not always enough...
sometimes they still don't really like you...

and guess what else
it really hurts when that happens

and guess what else
nothing anyone says or does makes it any easier.

My heart doesn't stop worrying
my heart doesn't stop wishing that they thought I still made the world go around, just like they believed when they were little tiny people.

It really stinks when one of those little children,
that aren't so little anymore,
look at you with rolling eyes and a look of utter disgust in their face...
I wish I could wipe that memory from my mind like I can wipe away words from my white board, but I can't...it's right there, vivid and yucky!

To be told from your kids how much they hate their life, or how living in this house sucks, or how they never get to do anything, or that they are "the one" who has to do everything, or to hear the words I did tonight ~ "You are the No Mom...you always say no!" 

And then to have the "No Parent" comment confirmed by my husband.
To be fair, I told him he was acting more like the friend than the parent...

Sometimes we say things we wish we could take back. 
Why does this have to happen between husband and wife when things are already so hard in the Mom and Dad department???  We are okay, hard times do come when raising kids, especially when you don't always see eye to eye, but we communicate well and we'll tackle this one just like everything else...but right now, my feelings are just a little too achey.

Dang, I just wanna give up. 
I can't,
but I sure want to!
I want to get in my car and just go have a little vacation doing something I want to do.
If what I am doing is turning out so crummy in the eyes of my family, then by all rights, I should be out doing something else ~

I could be walking along the beach ~
but when I say that,
I instantly feel empty at the thought of being there without my kids...
beaches are where our kids build sand castles and run out to chase the waves,
beaches are for smiles and giggles and shovels and pails,
they are for covering each other with sand until a mermaid appears before our eyes...

What am I ever going to be without being the Mom. 
It's all that I really know how to do.,..
and
apparently I am doing a pretty crappy job of it...

Yes, pity party filled with all the tears you could ever imagine happening right here, right now!!!

When I look around at other families
(I know I'm not supposed to be doing that, BUT I do!)

It "Appears",
that is the magical word here...
because how do I really know, it's just my perception of their life. 
Anyway, for the sake of my story,
it appears that all is rosy and peaceful. 
Then I look at what they are doing as parents and I think to myself,
"Well, I am trying to do the same sorts of things,
so WHY? 
Why is there all this strife and struggle happening?" 

It's that dang thing we've all been given...
and my kids are choosing to exercise it...
you can call it what you may ~
agency or free will ~
We've all been given this,
it is our right to exercise
and it is good
but it also makes it really hard to be the Mom sometimes.

When I fear that one of my children are straying from the path that I believe will lead them to happiness, what do I do?
Do I just sit by and watch?
Do I jump in and try to fix it all?
Do I attempt to force them to do it my way?
Do I try to bring everything to a screeching halt?
Do I keep saying no or do I say yes and hope for the best?
Do I tighten or loosen the Momma strings?

I just want them to be happy.
I just want them to be safe.
I just want them to be living the life that is best for them.
I just want them...
that's what it is ...
I just
want
them.

I want to hold them and not allow them to grow up...
maybe that is why I say no.

I didn't even know that I was a no mom,
I really try to be
the happy, joy filled "yes" mom
that makes smiles come to the faces of my kids,
but I guess I'm not.

I should be happy that my kids are not out doing horrible acts,
they are not committing crimes,
or offending anyone,
or causing problems,
they are just rebelling a little
and pulling away a lot
and I am desperately pulling just as hard as I can to keep them close
and safe...

I'm not a good mom for older kids.
I've got it down for the little ones,
but it is so much harder when they want to be independent
when they want to go out there and explore
and become
and grow
and get ready to go...

Thanks for listening to my heart
I don't know who you are
I don't know if you've ever felt these same feelings
or thought these same thoughts
or cried these same tears...
I don't know if you've ever prayed with all your might
and worried that it just might not be enough
but had the faith to believe it just had to be...

I wonder if you knew what to do
I wonder if your heart felt peace
or worry and concern
I wonder if I will feel this with each of these children
if some will be easier
and some harder
or if it is just one of the things that moms get to go through...
and I wonder just how many tears these eyes of mine can hold.