Is it safe to be Joyous???

Do you wish to know what I am fascinated and obsessed with? 
I just have to share these thoughts...I can't keep them all to myself.

Fair warning:  Some of this may seem a little whacked to you, but bear with me...it's good!
I received this little piece of info from a friend a few weeks back, at first this info was entertaining, now it is SO MUCH MORE! 

"IT"
is a little tidbit of info that comes from a book titled,  Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise L. Hay.,
the reason she sent it to me was that it contained
the possible causes of vertigo and a little thought to share with yourself.   
It's not really about Vertigo, it's about ME and how I tick and what happens when my tick tock just up and stops...

So here is the little piece she forwarded to me:


Probable causes of Vertigo:

Flighty, scattered thinking.
A refusal to look.

New thought pattern:

I am deeply centered and peaceful in life.
It is safe for me to be alive and joyous.

Okay, now don't give up on me already and click out of this post, it may sound a little "new-agey" to you; you may think I've gone off the deep-end, BUT I assure you, there is some really GOOD STUFF I am going to share with you...Ready?

Alright, let's get to it!

At first, I was a little displeased, okay, I was downright flipped out about the "Flighty" comment, how insulting and rude!!! 
The "scattered thinking"...yeah, I've been dealing with that one to a huge degree. 
"A refusal to look"...
well, can we smack me any harder with all these statements???
Again, at first I was a little miffed at such "probable causes"...

I am not flighty and I don't refuse to look...
OR
am I and do I?

AND what the heck does some book know about how I feel and WHY I feel that way?

Then I read the new thought pattern, I'm not super great at talking to myself, someone might think I'm crazy or something!  BUT I have to say as I read over this, I could not get it out of my mind!

At first reading this is what I saw:
"I am deeply...and peaceful in life...blah, blah, blah, blah..."
well, I'm not even sure I got that much out of it. 

Then I read it again (maybe a hundred more times!) 
The prompting to go back and re-read these two little lines was INTENSE!
"I am deeply centered and peaceful in life.  It is safe for me to be alive and joyous."

I could not get over the DEEPLY centered part...what is the significance here? 
It didn't just say I am centered,
NO,
it had to say I am DEEPLY centered
and then let's throw in a little of the I am peaceful on top of it. 

DANG...not so sure I am deeply anything,
other than deeply in over my head most days!

So that was the first part that I was consumed by...
What did this line mean to me? 
What did it mean for me? 
What was it trying to say to me? 
What was the message I was missing? 
I went on the hunt to find out what these few words meant to me and for me.
"I am deeply centered and peaceful in life."

This was BIG!

This past few weeks, I have focused on being deeply centered...the conclusion I have come to is sweet and simple...I have a deep need to experience a REAL relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Savior...my life is centered and functions well BECAUSE of the relationship I have with them. 
When I am deeply centering myself, when I am deeply immersing myself, when I am deeply focusing on what keeps me ticking, I can feel PEACEFUL in my life. 
I actually visualize a special little warm,fuzzy connection between them and the top of my head...
they are there keeping me "centered"...
keeping me right and strong and peaceful
and with this centering
I don't feel that I have to "refuse to look",
I am happy to look AND TO SEE what is out there, it is not nearly as frightening.

I have cause to wonder if I feel "Dizzy" because I am out of balance...
I know you probably just smacked yourself upside the head yelling out "DUH!",
but that's not the kind of balance I meant,
not the kind that makes you want to tip over,
but the BIG kind of balance...
the stuff that makes life all mesh together or go running crazy out of control. 
I see a connection between my lack of balance and my lack of being centered...AND I am seeing that they may both be restored TOGETHER...

This may have seemed like a no-brainer and not a big deal for many of you, but for me...this was HUGE!  I had never really thought about this in such a manner.  It has given me a deeper look into myself and into my relationships.  I could go on and on about this, but it is high time to move on to the next ah-ha moments I have experienced recently.

These are a little more tender for me...another fair warning, this is quite personal stuff, so if you don't want to know, you may want to say good-bye now.  I need to say these things for me...when I think them and then write them, I am changed, I am whole, I am peaceful...

The next line of the new thought pattern states:
"It is safe for me to be alive and joyous."

OKAY...

This one didn't exactly hit me in any sort of way UNTIL just a few days ago, and then KACHOW! 

Just before this lovely "V-word" decided to join me in my journey through life, I had been thinking of how far I feel I have come in a couple of areas in my life.  One of the biggies is in the area of TRUST. 

Having come from some very yucky, not so nice (okay, down right mean and nasty) relationships in my past, trust has proven to be a struggle for me. 
My wonderful husband has been so kind and understanding,
he allows me to be me,
 he gets where I've been and he accepts all my weirdness. 
He knows that certain things will set me off and that I may end up in a tail spin until he can finally save me from it all. 
He has protected me from having to deal with most of these feelings and memories and has sweetly accepted my need to control certain things in my life. 
He knows what things I must avoid to be okay, and he comforts me when I wake from a bad dream that causes me to "go back".

Speaking of going back,
a little over a month ago, I really felt that I was loosening up on some of these things
and I wished so much to just let them all go,
to not be afraid of anything anymore,
to just trust that no one would ever hurt me again. 
To believe that I am safe and secure
and that I could relinquish some of my need to control...
that I could just pass it all on over to Chad and be done with being afraid ever again. 
By all rights, this seemed quite appropriate, I've been with this sweet man for nearly half of my life and he has never crossed the line, he has never hurt me and I believe with all of my heart that he'd sooner die than raise a hand to me...
so, I thought thoughts,
I didn't actually pray,
but I put those thoughts out there
and I have no doubt HE heard them and just decided they must have been meant as a prayer??? 
Anyway, I wished that I could stop being afraid of silly things, I wished that I could stop wigging out if Chad's hands ever came by my neck, I wanted to stop thinking that the only way I could always be safe would be to be in control of me.  I wished to be able to trust Chad in all situations, to never have reason to doubt or to fear...and guess what?

A beautiful thing is happening to me...

i have so very little control of ANYTHING i do right now,
i need my hubby's help for EVERYTHING,
i need it just to walk down the hallway,
i need it to lay down in my bed and go to sleep,
i've needed him to hold me tight so that I would believe i wasn't falling out of my bed,
i needed him to take care of everything...from the biggest of things to the very smallest,
he must drive me anywhere i need to be,
he must take care of all the things i usually take care of,
he has listened to me cry,
he has held me when i feel weak and afraid,
he has helped me to see that i am safe,
that i can count on him,
that he will never leave me alone,
that he will love me through all things,
that he will be my rock,
that i can lean on him,
that i don't have to be strong,
that i don't have to have it all together,
that i can be dependent on him and it's beautiful...it is not scary...
it is safe to depend on the person you love and they will not let you down,
they will not turn into a scary beast,
they will continue to be your dream come true.

I am so sad that I couldn't get rid of all this stupid stuff I've been carrying around for years! 
But the good news is that I am dealing with it all, I see it, I am looking and I am trusting completely.  I'm sure it hasn't all just magically disappeared, but it is so much better.  I know that I am safe and that is a beautiful thing...not sure why it took me over 20 years, but better late than never.  :0)


Through this past 4+ weeks, I've come to know myself in a new way. 
The last line of my new thought reads:
It is safe for me to be alive AND joyous.

After coming to terms with being safe (physically),
I am also recognizing that I need to be safe emotionally. 
This is another BIGGIE...

What does it mean to be safe emotionally?
There is this little part deep inside me that I didn't recognize or give any thought to, until reading this line.

I've addressed feeling safe to be alive...
even though some of those scary people from my past are still very much alive and kicking...
I have no need to have fear of them any longer. I am safe!

so now onto... is it safe to be joyous?

This one brought with it a few tears (maybe a bucket full)...
Do you feel safe in being JOYOUS?
Is it okay with your heart to be YOU? 
Is it okay to feel and express and live those things that make you joyous?
OR do you stifle them?
Have you tucked them away most of your life?
Have you ignored some of the silly things that might bring about tremendous joy in your life?
When you were little did you sing and dance and twirl and giggle and do all the joyful things that life holds? 
Or did you keep quiet so as to not bother anyone with your crazy little spirited self?

Well, I fall/fell into the less than joyous category...
I quieted myself, I hid me, I stifled those things that bring joy,
I have always done what I thought others would like me to do,
I have always been what I thought others thought I should be,
I have lived my life trying to please the rest of the world
and never really felt safe just being me.
I tucked away the desire to catch raindrops in my mouth,
I would shy away from any of the things that might draw too much attention my way,
I walked around the mud puddles instead of jumping in with both feet,
I did my best to fit in and not stand out,
I followed the crowd and sought after what others found to be good,
I let the things in me that I wished for melt away
feeling that they were most likely of little worth.
I have given up on dreams because they seemed silly to others.

The exception to these things are my days of being the momma...
it feels okay to jump in a puddle when you have your little kids by your side!
Or is it?
Would I stop if I thought SOMEONE might see me?
Would my joy be lessened if I worried about another?

Sadly, I have to answer these questions with a question in my heart.
I think I would be affected by others.
So, I have not come to a true place of it being Safe to be Joyous.

I wish to dance and twirl and sing and catch raindrops on my tongue,
I wish to dream my dreams and make them come to life,
I wish to STAND OUT and not be ashamed,
I wish to live my life in a way that makes me feel joy
and to share that joy with others.
I wish to help others see that it is safe and it is wonderful to be joyous!
I wish to have the magical thoughts and aspirations my little children do.
I wish to have the desire to catch a leprechaun...
and then to act on that desire.
I wish to keep on trying with the same intense desire time and time again, no matter the number of failures...to never let failure squelch the dream.
I wish to always be vibrant and excited and have a dance in my heart.
I wish to have days that make my heart smile.
I wish to squish the sand and the mud between my toes.
I wish to make the most beautiful necklace of dandelions and proudly wear it.
I wish to come to the point that it is safe to be joyous.

I'm not totally there yet, but it is coming. 
The awareness is there and that is a big step in the right direction. 
Another big step is that I really do like me now.
I've shared that in previous posts and that was another one of my life-changing moments.
It's crazy that I have to be this age to finally get to know me...
is it like this for others?
I have to wonder.

I truly wonder if others feel it is safe to be joyous.
I truly wonder if others feel deeply centered and peaceful in life.
Is this a gift that some receive early on, while others make their way through the discovery of themselves?
I REALLY  TRULY wonder if others dream of twirling and dancing...
do others long for the magic of a sprinkling of pixie dust?

I'm waiting for a rain storm...I have raindrops to catch and puddles to pounce on!  And as soon as I can dance without falling over, I will dance and twirl until I fall in a heap on the ground, at which time I will search the clouds for the magic that is there; with imagination the world is a beautiful place to be!

I do believe it is safe for me to be joyous.
I plan to tackle it with all the crazy spirit I have been blessed with!