Homeschool Conference!!!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Look at all those beautiful little feet two people can create!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Did I ask for this?

Well my "Friday" came and went and another is fast approaching...
That chosen day of mine did not deliver what I had intended it to.

Friday was to have given me my life back,
when it failed to deliver in the way I had expected,
I was...
well,
a little less than pleased. 
Alright, I was downright frustrated, flipped out and to the point of giving up! 
What was I going to give up? 
It's not like my life was over just because I couldn't be doing "the life" I believed I should be deeply engaged in...My life hasn't ended just because it continues to be in my imaginary tornado...it has just simplified.

Now, I have to say that it has come to my attention, through many of the people that I love the very most in this life, that I may have needed to simplify and some even added in a gentle reminder that I had often prayed to find a way to simplify and slow this life down just a touch.  I've come to a small conclusion, well I think I am coming to it, I am still in the midst of trying to accept this conclusion...I wanted life to slow down a little, I wanted to simplify, I wanted to not feel so out of control busy all of the time...yet at the same time I didn't want any of those things to happen, BECAUSE that is the life I have known for so many years. 
Isn't it crazy that we become comfortable with the "known" things in our lives ~ even if they make us CRAZY ~ while the things that might alleviate some of the craziness are just far too scary to be comfortable with, causing us to actually make those changes impossible!

I've learned a few good ones over this past few weeks...it's amazing what can happen when YOU have to sit and be still...
I've learned that I have some crazy insane sorts of thoughts running through this brain of mine...and no this isn't just the vertigo speaking, I really do!
It's kinda scary when you realize what you've been telling yourself and what you've been attempting to live up to...It's no wonder my mind is doing this crazy tornado world...it finally caught up with my body!

Here's how I finally came to my "conclusions" or what I've learned about myself...
Friday night my hubby and I were sitting on the couch...no date night for this Momma (at least not one outside the home)...
anyway, we were sitting watching TV and I was eating some popcorn ~
way yummy popcorn...thought you'd like to hear that...
I'll have to remember to tell you all how to whip some up for yourself. 
Well this popcorn was messy enough that it required a paper towel or two or three...well, I was eating away and Chad asked me how my day had been
Oooohhhh, bad question today!
I was doing my best to "fake it" and let him see my happy side. 
I can never fool him,
but I was givin' it my best shot...
well, I started to talk and then did my little cough to help cover up my cracking voice,
yeah, he wasn't falling for it at all. 
In his sweet little way,
he told me I should
"just use that paper towel sitting beside me"  
??? 
What? 
Did I have a little popcorn goo on my chin? 
He could see my reaction and said,
 "Stacey, I can hear it in your voice, just let it go..."
So I did....
......
......
.....
.....

After a few moments I could speak again and I told him I was sorry that he was having to do EVERYTHING for me...
I told him that I'm really not okay with not being able to take care of myself or take care of our family
I told him I'm used to being strong all the time,
taking care of things,
but right now I'm just not strong,
I just don't have it in me,
I just can't do it...
and trying to remain strong for everyone was killing me! 
The honest truth is that I just don't want to be strong anymore,
I'm tired of doing this hard road,
I really just wish
 to be, well - not weak, but just a little less strong,
just a tad bit wimpy...
I don't have it in me to be any one's rock right now. 
But saying all of that just didn't feel very good,
it felt like a cop-out,
felt like less than what I am supposed to be...

Again, he just told me, "Let it go"...

I really am blessed.
He really loves me.
He really cares.
And he is actually really loving taking care of me.

He asked me to relax, to let it go, to not worry about anything,
he told me that it is my turn to be taken care of,
that I can't go take care of anyone else...
He was HAPPY about this!
I wasn't sharing in his happiness at all!!!

But as I listened to him and he listened to me
and after I had myself a good cry...
yes, it was a good cry, because afterwards I felt good...
that's what defines a good cry...
A Bad cry leaves you feeling bad,
but a GOOD one is,
well
it's just good
and refreshing
and cleansing
and rejuvenating
and leaves you with a feeling of peace and understanding.
Anyway, after all of that
I was able to clarify in my mind that I really don't always have to be strong,
I don't always have to be on top of it all,
I can learn to rely on others and it's okay,
it's not failure like I've always believed it to be.

So, who knows, and far be it from me to say this is fact, BUT...
I am seeing that there may be a deeper reason
for all of this "V-WORD" stuff I've been dealing with!
Maybe, just maybe
vertigo
has been
an answer
to my prayers
???
I have to wonder to myself,
did I ask for this???

SO my words of advice for you at this time ~
*Yep, you already guessed the first one...be careful what you ask for*  ;)
and the last is to just be open to the "ride" you are given.
Sometimes it's okay to be a dizzy blond!

Much love to you dear friends!