Is it safe to be Joyous???

Do you wish to know what I am fascinated and obsessed with? 
I just have to share these thoughts...I can't keep them all to myself.

Fair warning:  Some of this may seem a little whacked to you, but bear with me...it's good!
I received this little piece of info from a friend a few weeks back, at first this info was entertaining, now it is SO MUCH MORE! 

"IT"
is a little tidbit of info that comes from a book titled,  Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise L. Hay.,
the reason she sent it to me was that it contained
the possible causes of vertigo and a little thought to share with yourself.   
It's not really about Vertigo, it's about ME and how I tick and what happens when my tick tock just up and stops...

So here is the little piece she forwarded to me:


Probable causes of Vertigo:

Flighty, scattered thinking.
A refusal to look.

New thought pattern:

I am deeply centered and peaceful in life.
It is safe for me to be alive and joyous.

Okay, now don't give up on me already and click out of this post, it may sound a little "new-agey" to you; you may think I've gone off the deep-end, BUT I assure you, there is some really GOOD STUFF I am going to share with you...Ready?

Alright, let's get to it!

At first, I was a little displeased, okay, I was downright flipped out about the "Flighty" comment, how insulting and rude!!! 
The "scattered thinking"...yeah, I've been dealing with that one to a huge degree. 
"A refusal to look"...
well, can we smack me any harder with all these statements???
Again, at first I was a little miffed at such "probable causes"...

I am not flighty and I don't refuse to look...
OR
am I and do I?

AND what the heck does some book know about how I feel and WHY I feel that way?

Then I read the new thought pattern, I'm not super great at talking to myself, someone might think I'm crazy or something!  BUT I have to say as I read over this, I could not get it out of my mind!

At first reading this is what I saw:
"I am deeply...and peaceful in life...blah, blah, blah, blah..."
well, I'm not even sure I got that much out of it. 

Then I read it again (maybe a hundred more times!) 
The prompting to go back and re-read these two little lines was INTENSE!
"I am deeply centered and peaceful in life.  It is safe for me to be alive and joyous."

I could not get over the DEEPLY centered part...what is the significance here? 
It didn't just say I am centered,
NO,
it had to say I am DEEPLY centered
and then let's throw in a little of the I am peaceful on top of it. 

DANG...not so sure I am deeply anything,
other than deeply in over my head most days!

So that was the first part that I was consumed by...
What did this line mean to me? 
What did it mean for me? 
What was it trying to say to me? 
What was the message I was missing? 
I went on the hunt to find out what these few words meant to me and for me.
"I am deeply centered and peaceful in life."

This was BIG!

This past few weeks, I have focused on being deeply centered...the conclusion I have come to is sweet and simple...I have a deep need to experience a REAL relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Savior...my life is centered and functions well BECAUSE of the relationship I have with them. 
When I am deeply centering myself, when I am deeply immersing myself, when I am deeply focusing on what keeps me ticking, I can feel PEACEFUL in my life. 
I actually visualize a special little warm,fuzzy connection between them and the top of my head...
they are there keeping me "centered"...
keeping me right and strong and peaceful
and with this centering
I don't feel that I have to "refuse to look",
I am happy to look AND TO SEE what is out there, it is not nearly as frightening.

I have cause to wonder if I feel "Dizzy" because I am out of balance...
I know you probably just smacked yourself upside the head yelling out "DUH!",
but that's not the kind of balance I meant,
not the kind that makes you want to tip over,
but the BIG kind of balance...
the stuff that makes life all mesh together or go running crazy out of control. 
I see a connection between my lack of balance and my lack of being centered...AND I am seeing that they may both be restored TOGETHER...

This may have seemed like a no-brainer and not a big deal for many of you, but for me...this was HUGE!  I had never really thought about this in such a manner.  It has given me a deeper look into myself and into my relationships.  I could go on and on about this, but it is high time to move on to the next ah-ha moments I have experienced recently.

These are a little more tender for me...another fair warning, this is quite personal stuff, so if you don't want to know, you may want to say good-bye now.  I need to say these things for me...when I think them and then write them, I am changed, I am whole, I am peaceful...

The next line of the new thought pattern states:
"It is safe for me to be alive and joyous."

OKAY...

This one didn't exactly hit me in any sort of way UNTIL just a few days ago, and then KACHOW! 

Just before this lovely "V-word" decided to join me in my journey through life, I had been thinking of how far I feel I have come in a couple of areas in my life.  One of the biggies is in the area of TRUST. 

Having come from some very yucky, not so nice (okay, down right mean and nasty) relationships in my past, trust has proven to be a struggle for me. 
My wonderful husband has been so kind and understanding,
he allows me to be me,
 he gets where I've been and he accepts all my weirdness. 
He knows that certain things will set me off and that I may end up in a tail spin until he can finally save me from it all. 
He has protected me from having to deal with most of these feelings and memories and has sweetly accepted my need to control certain things in my life. 
He knows what things I must avoid to be okay, and he comforts me when I wake from a bad dream that causes me to "go back".

Speaking of going back,
a little over a month ago, I really felt that I was loosening up on some of these things
and I wished so much to just let them all go,
to not be afraid of anything anymore,
to just trust that no one would ever hurt me again. 
To believe that I am safe and secure
and that I could relinquish some of my need to control...
that I could just pass it all on over to Chad and be done with being afraid ever again. 
By all rights, this seemed quite appropriate, I've been with this sweet man for nearly half of my life and he has never crossed the line, he has never hurt me and I believe with all of my heart that he'd sooner die than raise a hand to me...
so, I thought thoughts,
I didn't actually pray,
but I put those thoughts out there
and I have no doubt HE heard them and just decided they must have been meant as a prayer??? 
Anyway, I wished that I could stop being afraid of silly things, I wished that I could stop wigging out if Chad's hands ever came by my neck, I wanted to stop thinking that the only way I could always be safe would be to be in control of me.  I wished to be able to trust Chad in all situations, to never have reason to doubt or to fear...and guess what?

A beautiful thing is happening to me...

i have so very little control of ANYTHING i do right now,
i need my hubby's help for EVERYTHING,
i need it just to walk down the hallway,
i need it to lay down in my bed and go to sleep,
i've needed him to hold me tight so that I would believe i wasn't falling out of my bed,
i needed him to take care of everything...from the biggest of things to the very smallest,
he must drive me anywhere i need to be,
he must take care of all the things i usually take care of,
he has listened to me cry,
he has held me when i feel weak and afraid,
he has helped me to see that i am safe,
that i can count on him,
that he will never leave me alone,
that he will love me through all things,
that he will be my rock,
that i can lean on him,
that i don't have to be strong,
that i don't have to have it all together,
that i can be dependent on him and it's beautiful...it is not scary...
it is safe to depend on the person you love and they will not let you down,
they will not turn into a scary beast,
they will continue to be your dream come true.

I am so sad that I couldn't get rid of all this stupid stuff I've been carrying around for years! 
But the good news is that I am dealing with it all, I see it, I am looking and I am trusting completely.  I'm sure it hasn't all just magically disappeared, but it is so much better.  I know that I am safe and that is a beautiful thing...not sure why it took me over 20 years, but better late than never.  :0)


Through this past 4+ weeks, I've come to know myself in a new way. 
The last line of my new thought reads:
It is safe for me to be alive AND joyous.

After coming to terms with being safe (physically),
I am also recognizing that I need to be safe emotionally. 
This is another BIGGIE...

What does it mean to be safe emotionally?
There is this little part deep inside me that I didn't recognize or give any thought to, until reading this line.

I've addressed feeling safe to be alive...
even though some of those scary people from my past are still very much alive and kicking...
I have no need to have fear of them any longer. I am safe!

so now onto... is it safe to be joyous?

This one brought with it a few tears (maybe a bucket full)...
Do you feel safe in being JOYOUS?
Is it okay with your heart to be YOU? 
Is it okay to feel and express and live those things that make you joyous?
OR do you stifle them?
Have you tucked them away most of your life?
Have you ignored some of the silly things that might bring about tremendous joy in your life?
When you were little did you sing and dance and twirl and giggle and do all the joyful things that life holds? 
Or did you keep quiet so as to not bother anyone with your crazy little spirited self?

Well, I fall/fell into the less than joyous category...
I quieted myself, I hid me, I stifled those things that bring joy,
I have always done what I thought others would like me to do,
I have always been what I thought others thought I should be,
I have lived my life trying to please the rest of the world
and never really felt safe just being me.
I tucked away the desire to catch raindrops in my mouth,
I would shy away from any of the things that might draw too much attention my way,
I walked around the mud puddles instead of jumping in with both feet,
I did my best to fit in and not stand out,
I followed the crowd and sought after what others found to be good,
I let the things in me that I wished for melt away
feeling that they were most likely of little worth.
I have given up on dreams because they seemed silly to others.

The exception to these things are my days of being the momma...
it feels okay to jump in a puddle when you have your little kids by your side!
Or is it?
Would I stop if I thought SOMEONE might see me?
Would my joy be lessened if I worried about another?

Sadly, I have to answer these questions with a question in my heart.
I think I would be affected by others.
So, I have not come to a true place of it being Safe to be Joyous.

I wish to dance and twirl and sing and catch raindrops on my tongue,
I wish to dream my dreams and make them come to life,
I wish to STAND OUT and not be ashamed,
I wish to live my life in a way that makes me feel joy
and to share that joy with others.
I wish to help others see that it is safe and it is wonderful to be joyous!
I wish to have the magical thoughts and aspirations my little children do.
I wish to have the desire to catch a leprechaun...
and then to act on that desire.
I wish to keep on trying with the same intense desire time and time again, no matter the number of failures...to never let failure squelch the dream.
I wish to always be vibrant and excited and have a dance in my heart.
I wish to have days that make my heart smile.
I wish to squish the sand and the mud between my toes.
I wish to make the most beautiful necklace of dandelions and proudly wear it.
I wish to come to the point that it is safe to be joyous.

I'm not totally there yet, but it is coming. 
The awareness is there and that is a big step in the right direction. 
Another big step is that I really do like me now.
I've shared that in previous posts and that was another one of my life-changing moments.
It's crazy that I have to be this age to finally get to know me...
is it like this for others?
I have to wonder.

I truly wonder if others feel it is safe to be joyous.
I truly wonder if others feel deeply centered and peaceful in life.
Is this a gift that some receive early on, while others make their way through the discovery of themselves?
I REALLY  TRULY wonder if others dream of twirling and dancing...
do others long for the magic of a sprinkling of pixie dust?

I'm waiting for a rain storm...I have raindrops to catch and puddles to pounce on!  And as soon as I can dance without falling over, I will dance and twirl until I fall in a heap on the ground, at which time I will search the clouds for the magic that is there; with imagination the world is a beautiful place to be!

I do believe it is safe for me to be joyous.
I plan to tackle it with all the crazy spirit I have been blessed with!

Did I ask for this?

Well my "Friday" came and went and another is fast approaching...
That chosen day of mine did not deliver what I had intended it to.

Friday was to have given me my life back,
when it failed to deliver in the way I had expected,
I was...
well,
a little less than pleased. 
Alright, I was downright frustrated, flipped out and to the point of giving up! 
What was I going to give up? 
It's not like my life was over just because I couldn't be doing "the life" I believed I should be deeply engaged in...My life hasn't ended just because it continues to be in my imaginary tornado...it has just simplified.

Now, I have to say that it has come to my attention, through many of the people that I love the very most in this life, that I may have needed to simplify and some even added in a gentle reminder that I had often prayed to find a way to simplify and slow this life down just a touch.  I've come to a small conclusion, well I think I am coming to it, I am still in the midst of trying to accept this conclusion...I wanted life to slow down a little, I wanted to simplify, I wanted to not feel so out of control busy all of the time...yet at the same time I didn't want any of those things to happen, BECAUSE that is the life I have known for so many years. 
Isn't it crazy that we become comfortable with the "known" things in our lives ~ even if they make us CRAZY ~ while the things that might alleviate some of the craziness are just far too scary to be comfortable with, causing us to actually make those changes impossible!

I've learned a few good ones over this past few weeks...it's amazing what can happen when YOU have to sit and be still...
I've learned that I have some crazy insane sorts of thoughts running through this brain of mine...and no this isn't just the vertigo speaking, I really do!
It's kinda scary when you realize what you've been telling yourself and what you've been attempting to live up to...It's no wonder my mind is doing this crazy tornado world...it finally caught up with my body!

Here's how I finally came to my "conclusions" or what I've learned about myself...
Friday night my hubby and I were sitting on the couch...no date night for this Momma (at least not one outside the home)...
anyway, we were sitting watching TV and I was eating some popcorn ~
way yummy popcorn...thought you'd like to hear that...
I'll have to remember to tell you all how to whip some up for yourself. 
Well this popcorn was messy enough that it required a paper towel or two or three...well, I was eating away and Chad asked me how my day had been. 
Oooohhhh, bad question today!
I was doing my best to "fake it" and let him see my happy side. 
I can never fool him,
but I was givin' it my best shot...
well, I started to talk and then did my little cough to help cover up my cracking voice,
yeah, he wasn't falling for it at all. 
In his sweet little way,
he told me I should
"just use that paper towel sitting beside me"  
??? 
What? 
Did I have a little popcorn goo on my chin? 
He could see my reaction and said,
 "Stacey, I can hear it in your voice, just let it go..."
So I did....
......
......
.....
.....

After a few moments I could speak again and I told him I was sorry that he was having to do EVERYTHING for me...
I told him that I'm really not okay with not being able to take care of myself or take care of our family. 
I told him I'm used to being strong all the time,
taking care of things,
but right now I'm just not strong,
I just don't have it in me,
I just can't do it...
and trying to remain strong for everyone was killing me! 
The honest truth is that I just don't want to be strong anymore,
I'm tired of doing this hard road,
I really just wish
 to be, well - not weak, but just a little less strong,
just a tad bit wimpy...
I don't have it in me to be any one's rock right now. 
But saying all of that just didn't feel very good,
it felt like a cop-out,
felt like less than what I am supposed to be...

Again, he just told me, "Let it go"...

I really am blessed.
He really loves me.
He really cares.
And he is actually really loving taking care of me.

He asked me to relax, to let it go, to not worry about anything,
he told me that it is my turn to be taken care of,
that I can't go take care of anyone else...
He was HAPPY about this!
I wasn't sharing in his happiness at all!!!

But as I listened to him and he listened to me
and after I had myself a good cry...
yes, it was a good cry, because afterwards I felt good...
that's what defines a good cry...
A Bad cry leaves you feeling bad,
but a GOOD one is,
well
it's just good
and refreshing
and cleansing
and rejuvenating
and leaves you with a feeling of peace and understanding.
Anyway, after all of that
I was able to clarify in my mind that I really don't always have to be strong,
I don't always have to be on top of it all,
I can learn to rely on others and it's okay,
it's not failure like I've always believed it to be.

So, who knows, and far be it from me to say this is fact, BUT...
I am seeing that there may be a deeper reason
for all of this "V-WORD" stuff I've been dealing with!
Maybe, just maybe
vertigo
has been
an answer
to my prayers
???
I have to wonder to myself,
did I ask for this???

SO my words of advice for you at this time ~
*Yep, you already guessed the first one...be careful what you ask for*  ;)
and the last is to just be open to the "ride" you are given.
Sometimes it's okay to be a dizzy blond!

Much love to you dear friends!

Just a dizzy blond :0)

For the past two weeks, I've been dealing with VERTIGO...

It's funny how you may have heard of a word, yet, it had no significance to you, THEN you have the opportunity to EXPERIENCE that word...and whammy ~ the significance is there! 

That would sum up my feelings toward
that little *v-word*!
Yes,
I do see that 7- letter v-word
ranking right up there with some of the biggest of the biggest of other bad words!!!
It's down right NASTY and now quite significant to me!

Two weeks of dizziness and unseemingly out of my mind experiences filled with bouts of what I thought were falling to my death from my bed as I would frantically hang on to my husband for dear life... have been a bit much for me. 
I think I'm grateful I had my eyes squeezed as tightly as possible during those moments of slight insanity; not too sure I'd like to have seen my husbands reaction as he very calmly and quietly reminded me that I was laying down in the middle of the bed and I could not fall on the floor and that I really was okay...
once again he proves himself as my knight in shining armor. 
I would hate to try to recall all the "things" I've had to put my husband through
~ not by my choice, mind you ~
yet, he's still had a lot to deal with and he keeps shining in my eyes.  
Yes, he does belong right up there on that little pedestal! 


I am finally able to walk around without holding on to him for dear life, I can stand and walk and turn my head...no driving yet, but I'm hoping by the end of the week, I'll be back to my normal self. 
My poor family has struggled through this past couple weeks, I'm pretty sure they are tired of wingin' it for themselves as I sit on the couch directing traffic, if you will. 

And speaking of sitting on the couch...
Aauugghhhhhhhh....WHO in their RIGHT mind would wish to do this day in and day out???
This has just about been the end of me.
I NEED to be up and about and busy and doing things, I NEED to be productive.
This whole couch potato,
lounge lizard,
bon-bon eating while watching the soaps life
is NOT FOR ME!!! 
My kids have teased me that all I do is sit around watching TV...
I think they are getting a kick out of because I DO NOT enjoy TV time and I really don't like for them to enjoy TV time either...
but when you have nothing else you can do, it's a good way to pass the endless hours of dizziness of each day. 
It has made me crazy that I couldn't pick up a good book or do some of my studying or do any writing...but all of that just increased the dizziness and craziness of my mind a hundred fold, so FOOD NETWORK became my closest companion...

Now let's talk about my newest friend ~
the lovely FOOD NETWORK ~
yes, I have found them quite worthy of the title of "Friend"...
they were there for me when I was in the greatest of need,
they provided some great inspiration,
endless hours of entertainment,
at the click of a button ~ *poof* ~ like magic, they appeared... and were happy to stay until I was too tired to invest any more time to our relationship,

I enjoyed my time with them very much and I felt as though I ate some of the tastiest dishes ever, right alongside a great friend...  (albeit, I never actually enjoyed a morsel, but I pretended...I'm pretty good at that!) 
I laughed at some of their experiences
and even found myself shedding a few tears when they met defeat
(I know, sounds ridiculous, but I have been just a bit emotional these past few days)
And besides the part of my sounding completely shallow...it was a great relationship, yes ~ quite one-sided as they did all the giving and I just took and took and took, but if you're going to do that to a "friend" it might as well be the Food Network ~ I'm sure it didn't affect them in the least!

The best part of it...
Once again, I have the most intense desire and motivation to get back in my kitchen and whip up some amazing Kitchen Creations...
I really do LOVE to cook and bake and create...
I just lost my love for it over this past many years of kids turning up their noses. 
When time after time our kids commented that Top Ramen is superior to a meal I had labored over for a good portion of my afternoon/evening, I gave up...
I was defeated and the sad part is that I lost a love I had...the love of cooking and creating in my very own space. 
THAT LOVE IS BACK!!!  Yippee...

(and the other best part is that I'm quite certain my kiddos have had their fill of top ramen and all the other junk I don't usually let them have all the time...I think they will welcome some good home cooked meals!)

Now, I just have to be patient for a few more days until I feel stable and well enough to stand in my kitchen and get busy...I'm giving it until Friday and then that's it...I NEED to be back to ME.  So be on the look out for some fantabulous dishes coming your way!

Until then, I'm gonna be proving to my hubby that I am not just a dizzy blond! 
One more great reason to have this little episode with that *v-word* come to a close.
Good-bye Dizzy Days...You and I need to part ways!